Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
