Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
