I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize