i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Randomize
