you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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