Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
