Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
This house was built for laser tag.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
