I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
