Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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