Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
it's like heaven, but drunker
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
