i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
