I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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