Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
