Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
