They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
