So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
