i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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