that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
