Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I am midnight drunk by noon
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
it glows. i had to have it.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
