Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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