well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
