Only a mothe r could love this liver
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize