I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I just found puke in my bra..
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
