First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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