its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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