awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Enjoy the penises
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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