Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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