How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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