I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
