I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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