The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
