why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
