im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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