I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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