My Higher Power is John Stamos
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
