he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
