My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
