...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
40s are totally the cure
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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