Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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