Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
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