Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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