I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
my poor anus
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