The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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