Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Randomize
