i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It's never too late to be topless.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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