so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
