I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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