He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
