I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
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