whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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