so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
