I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
