I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I stole a fireplace last night.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
