he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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