I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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