Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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