I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
