Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I didn't shave. On purpose
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
