My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
