I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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