My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
