batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
